John to Me: Does this shirt make me look like I’m trying to be 18?
Me: Why, because it says Abercrombie?
John: Yes, or because it’s so tight?
Me: No, you look good. It isn’t too tight. Seriously. Leave it, we have to go.
Carter: Daddy, you wearing you nipples today?
John: Nevermind, I’m changing.
“Well, we could choose apple juice, milk or water. And this girl in my class said, ‘Everyone who chooses apple juice only can be my friend.’ So I chose milk. But guess what, when we got to the Life Center, she was still my friend.”
Somebody get this girl a D.A.R.E. Bear, now.
E: Why are all those frogs so loud outside?
M: Because they’re mating.
E: They’re having a meeting? Is that why they’re talking so much?
Doling out Easter candy I tell the girls to pick a number between one and ten:
Dinner table discussion about the baby:
Me: …and that’s how he eats.
Eliott: Or she.
Me: Or she.
Eliott: I hope it’s a boy.
Carter: Or a kitty.
Aunt La-La’s safety check-in with Carter:
What’s your mommy’s name? Claire.
And what’s your daddy’s name? Jo-ohn.
And what is your name? Car-TER.
What is your LAST name? Uhhh… daddy calls me Tiny Monster.
Carter: Daddy, I love you so much.
Eliott: I love you more than I love Jesus.
Carter: Up in Kevin.
First day of school discussion, all Eliott wants to talk about is the food.
That’s my girl.
Discussing the Simply Sassy Spa birthday party before bed last night:
E: Oh. There was a lady there who also had a baby in her belly.
M: Was it Miss Stephanie?
E: Hm. Wearing a blue shirt?
M: I guess.
E: I just don’t know… (now addressing her hands) Fingernails, do you know? (back to me), THEY were there! (Meaning, her now pink sparkly fingernails.)
Me: Carter, how was your first day of school? Do you have any friends in your class?
E: Yeah, Carter, do you have a crush on anyone?
C: No. I did not step on anyone today.
Great Grandma Wait’s 100th birthday party discussion:
Eliott: And Great Grandma–the birthday girl–didn’t even do anything. She just sat there.
Me: Well, she’s twenty times older than you, Eliott. She doesn’t have to do anything if she doesn’t want to.
Last week Eliott had a crush on the one boy in her entire class who consistently has to “pull his card.”
Today, she’s married to Eric Carle.
“Mommy, you are the bestest in the entire family.”
(After some thought.)
“Well, I think me and you have like the same weight of best-ness.” –Eliott Wait
Eliott: Hey Carter, why was six afraid of seven?
E: Hey. Carter. Carter you have to guess. Why was six afraid of seven? Just guess.
Me: Okay, Eliott, tell me. Why was six afraid of seven?
E: Oh. Because…(thinking)…one-two-three-four-five-six-seven-eight-nine-ten.
Eliott got mad at Daddy for throwing a paper away that she wasn’t done “reading.”
D: Eliott, sorry, I’ll bring home a real newspaper for you tomorrow.
E: (Eyes wide) A REAL newspaper?! One with kitties and coupons?!
*I feel like this might be the answer to the decline of print media.
Told the (now funny) story about a camper who killed my goldfish one summer (negligent homicide), how I made the girls write a poem for him (Quincy, the goldfish) and how we had a funeral and it bonded the whole cabin. Sort of laughing at the story, John and I look over and Eliott is weeping, silently.
After a spanking:
John to Carter: “You need to understand, I am the daddy, this is the mommy, and you are the child.”
Eliott: “And I am the son.”
Eliott’s version of Revelation Song ends with, “…you are my everything, and I will– ignore you.”
You and me both, Lord.
Carter: Eliott, you need to shut your mouth. You don’t know squat!
Eliott: I do too know squat. Squat is a spanking.
At breakfast this morning, Carter on repeat (to nobody, by the way):
“You are making my life DIFFICULT. You are making my life DIFFICULT. Stop asking me questions. You are making my life DIFFICULT.”
“Eliott, on the real election versus the mock-election at school:
Well, I like President Obama. But at school today we had to pick the president and his pet. And do you know who won? Romney and a cat! It was my wish! I picked Romney and cat. So I won. So it’s going to be Romney, and he gets to have a cat. And maybe a duck.”
Me: Carter, you can be a doctor one day. Or you can be an animal doctor. Do you want to be an animal doctor?
Carter: Yes, I want to be a kitty doctor.
M: Yeah. You can be a doctor who takes care of dogs and kitties.
C: No. I just want to be a kitty doctor. Because I just want to be a kitty.
“When it’s Christmas I sing Christmas songs. And then I really worship to God. So I don’t go to Hell.” -Eliott Wait
There’s more where this came from: