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More best of moments with Eliott, who is 6, and Carter, who is 4. A year in status updates. Enjoy.

Life with Eliott & Carter 2013

March 5
Carter: Mommy, where are we going today?
M: I don’t know, where do you want to go?
C: The gym.
M: Good. Then I’m not taking a shower.

15 minutes later….
C: Actually, I want to go to Bible study.
M: Fine, but I’m going in this (wearing gym clothes).
C: What?! Are those your clothes? It’s not pajama day for you.

March 14
5pm, finally ready for a shower, “Do not come get me unless someone is bleeding.” Famous last words.

March 21
Every time Carter talks about anyone who picked on her at school I say, “He probably has a crush on you.” She always corrects me by mentioning the boy who attacked her at the block table one day a while ago. Thank goodness my 3yo still takes the meaning of “crush” literally.

March 27
Discussion after reading Easter cards from Mimi:
Eliott: She always says “Kiddo.”
Carter (dejected): I know why. Because she doesn’t know my name.

March 28
John took the girls to work with him this morning, to see the courthouse and possibly the jail. Carter was VERY concerned that he make sure the judge does not leave them in jail.
You have to have handcuffs to stay in jail, right? Right, Daddy? Daddy, do not let the judge give us handcuffs. You can save us, right Daddy?

April 14
Eliott just told Carter the chicken crossing the road joke.
Carter’s response (to me, later): Have you ever seen a chicken crossing the road, Mommy? Chickens don’t even belong on the road.

April 24
I used to think all Walgreens were just snobby, over-priced, old-people stores–but after my child dropped and exploded a gallon of milk at the register today, my mind has changed.

April 26
Overheard upstairs: “…Carter. Do you believe–in Jesus of Christ? Do you believe–that Jesus is real?” Apparently my 6 year old is performing a baptism in the bathtub. Will T. and Calvary Baptist Church should be so proud.

May 7
“Did Senator Hagan stand up for ME?” –Eliot Wait

May 10
ME: …because Daddy and I are going on a hot date tonight, that’s why. H-O-T. Hot.
CARTER (eyes get wide): Will there be candy?

May 24
It is only 2:38pm and I’m looking at a chocolate ice cream bar, some whipped vodka, and a Xanax.
6 year old induced decisions.

May 26
We need to take that watermelon to the table. To the damn table. Yes I said “damn.” – Carter Wait, backseat commentary

June 5
Dear Cinderella: thank you for making bucket and sponge cleaning look so glamorous. Oh, and for the clean house courtesy of my kids.

June 19
Today I introduced Eliott to the word “ambiguous.” Call me crazy, but I know this will save her a lot of high school English heartache one day.

June 26
I can say “enormous,” but we can’t say “no fair,” or “awesome,” or “stupid.” –Carter Wait, and the truth.

July 2
“Thank God I’m a crunchy boy.” John Denver, according to Carter Wait

July 11
Eliott has a new interest:
– Want me to do Uranus?
– Uranus is blue.
– Saturn’s rings go this way but the rings on Uranus go… THIS way.
– Mommy. Here’s Uranus. Here’s the rings on it.
– Uranus is SO COOL.
(I’m a 13 year old boy.)

July 13
Eliott: I don’t like avocado. It’s gross. It is like green gross. Actually. It tastes like poop.
Dad: When have you tasted poop?
Eliott: Well, you have never felt poop but you and mommy say you feel like poop all the time.

July 18
Pizza picnic on the floor of the living room watching “Brave.” And oh man, what a metaphor for my life. When daughters are rebellious, mama’s turn into bears. Finally Disney gets something right.

July 21
Just caught Carter hiding on the porch with my iPhone. She was listening to Lady Gaga. I forgave her.

July 23
You know who helped me with my tights this morning?
Daddy, you are good at tights.

August 14
Carter Wait Song Lyrics Take 1: What does that mean mommy, “You’re gonna miss me by my taco?”
Carter Wait Song Lyrics Take 2: We’re up all Mexican-lucky. We’re up all Mexican-lucky.

Septermber 7
John: What I don’t understand is why they are good for me at the grocery store, but they won’t be good for you.
Me: Seriously. Who wants to go first?
Carter: Me! It’s because we hate her.
Me: Thank you for your honesty, Carter. Explain. I won’t hold it against you.
Carter: Don’t spank me. I need to have this discussion. Daddy is fun. And you are not fun. If you want to be the tallest, you have to keep growing.

Septermber 16
“Daddy, since Bayden isn’t my best– my…my…since Bayden isn’t my girlfriend, you’re going to be my girlfriend forever.” Carter Wait

September 17
Mommy, Natalie is already 5 years old, but I am already longer than her. Isn’t that so weird? -CW

September 23
Me: Hey Carter, what are you going to bring in for star of the day on Wednesday?
Carter: You mean show and tail?
Girls raised in the south.

October 1
From Congress to this biker vs. SUV fight, I feel like using the same words on America as I use on my 6yo every day: “America, when you are responsible and show some self-control, people will trust you with bigger better things. But right now, you need to go to the kitchen table and sit on your hands.”

October 13
Me: Carter, if you do that wrong, so help me…
Carter: …you will beat me out of the tar!

November 12
Carter: Who writed in here?
Me: Wrote. The word is wrote.
Carter: Why did Eliott wrote in here?

December 31
Me: So Carter thought it would be funny to color her hands with purple marker today.
Carter (complete with sarcasm and an eye roll): I know, I’m so hil-AR-ious.

There’s More Where This Came From:





Life With Eliott and Carter, 2013

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